It's Lonely Here

I find having a child with cancer, very lonely. I very rarely get any actual alone time, but still I feel so alone. There are lots of people around me and holding me up through the rough times, so I'm not sure where the loneliness comes from, but it's there.

The hospital is the worst for me. I'm never alone, I am constantly busy entertaining and talking with a 2 year old, which is lots of fun, but there are no breaks. There is no other mom to chat with at the playground while chasing kids around, no lunch talks with my mom and no quick conversations with my husband in the evenings. It's just me and Nate...and a nurse every once in a while. I truly cherish this one on one time with my middle child, the circumstances are just too much sometimes. When he's not feeling well, it's the worst...I feel alone...and helpless. The new hospital is nice and we love the big private rooms but I think it contributes the the feeling of isolation. Nate's been asleep for several hours and I'm in this big, dark room alone with my thoughts. Thank goodness for the phone and Internet or I would surely go crazy. I hate staying in the room, so Nate and I wander the halls frequently. It's very quiet out there and you rarely see another family...very lonely.

At home is better...but not a lot. No one calls for play dates anymore. Not that we could go much...it just sucks. I am different now and don't think I'll ever be the same. Can my friends and family really relate to me anymore? I know they love me and care and sort of understand, but they can never truly understand...thank God. The new friends we are making because we share the ultimate horror...a sick child...can truly understand, but I feel a disconnection there also because we each have so much to deal with, with our own children we can't take on each other's problems.

When I take Nate out in to the world I literally feel like a big spotlight is on us...but it is so bright that people can only stare for a moment and have to quickly turn away. Maybe it's the reflection off his shiny bald head, maybe it's the intense glow of his special soul. No one ever says anything...not once. I've started to question if people think I just gave him this haircut on purpose. I can't really blame them because, before this, I'm sure I wouldn't have said anything either...afraid to bring up a sore subject. Ha! Like they had forgot their child had cancer and my asking about the child would suddenly remind them. When I'm out and about with Nate, I want you to ask. When I'm pushing him in the swing next to your child, instead of staring while trying to look like you aren't staring, simply ask, "Does your son have cancer?". I want to talk about it. I want to tell you about this extraordinary boy and his daily fight. Maybe I'm the only cancer parent that feels this way. I've always been an over sharer...but, when people stare and don't say anything, it feels so lonely...like no one will ever understand us.

P.S.
Nate continues to handle "The Red Death"(and the other chemo drugs) like a super hero! Playing and eating and zero throwing up...a couple little heaves where I thought he was going to lose it...but nothing! I know the side effects of these drugs can take a awhile to show up sometimes but we'll take as many good days as we can get. Please continue to pray for Nate.