Back We Go

It's been so, so nice being home. I'm just not ready to go back. We've had a fairly low key weekend. Spending time together at home. Letting Nate choose any meals he wanted, which included "Cheesesteak Charley's", pizza, frozen yogurt, smoothies, Corleone's, Chino Bandito and letting him raid the kitchen at home as much as he wanted. We had an impromptu Halloween party on Saturday morning for the kids and our friends, because we don't know if Nate will be feeling up to celebrating next weekend. We rented a movie, snuggled on the couch and ate popcorn. We went to church. Chris and I went on a date. We ran and played outside, swinging on the swings, playing on our playground and in the playhouse. We slept in our own beds and ate together and didn't shuffle anyone anywhere. It was perfect. It was too short.

It takes some time for Nate to acclimate to being back at home. It's very sad. He doesn't want to fall asleep alone in his bed or be separated from me much. He doesn't really want to go outside or walk around much...for the first couple days home. Just today, he was finally running around playing, getting into trouble and itching to get outside like normal...and now it's time to go back. The blessing is that he doesn't know how hard it is on him. He never puts up a fuss. I told him he was going back to the hospital tomorrow and he said, "Ok, my tummy hurts. Time to go back to hospital". Then I started packing all of the hospital bags and he got all excited and said, "Let's go to hospital!". I explained that we would go in the morning and he said, "Mommy, my tummy hurts. We need to go to hospital now." I told him they didn't have a room for him until the morning and if we drove there right now we would have to sleep in the car. He was very concerned because there is not a bed in our car and decided that the hospital could wait until the morning.

A couple tid bits from this weekend.  Wes had watched the movie Jumanji with Grandma some time last week and was excited about renting Zethura, which is like Jumanji, but in space.  We all snuggled on the couch and watched Zethura on Friday night.  Nate was a little nervous at a few parts and asked to go to bed, but ultimately he really liked it and LOVED any parts that involved a rocket (one of his new favorite things).  In Zethura there is a part where the older brother gets to make a wish...twice.  After the movie was over, Grandma asked Wes what he would wish for.  He said for Nate to get better.  She asked what he would wish for his second wish.  He said for Mommy and Daddy to not be so busy.  Man...if that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what will.  I promise, my sweet boy, both your wishes will come true.  It may take some time, but they WILL come true. 

Then, this morning Nate and Ellie and I were playing in our backyard and Nate started investigating my poor, sad garden.  My garden that I lovingly built and planted with the help of my boys.  We would all go out every day to love it, check on it's progress and eat it's rewards.  We were all so proud of it.  We were so excited to keep it going the best we could through the summer and see what we could grow this fall...then cancer came in to our life and also took over our garden.  Nate was going around checking on all the mostly dead plants and saying "Mommy, where are our carrots?",  "Oh no, look at that." and "Awww, where our onion go?".  Then he spotted them.  Right there on the completely brown and dead tomato vine were two bright red, fresh, perfect tiny tomatoes.  I wish I took a picture of them because it really is remarkable that these perfect beauties were growing on a completely dead plant that took a major beating in the Arizona summer with absolutely no care.  I didn't get a picture though because Nate snatched those tomatoes off that vine so fast and we each gobbled one up...so sweet and juicy and delicious.  Ok God...I get it.  Our life in this cancer world is rough, dry, brown and scraggly, but there is somehow beauty growing right there in the middle of it.  Just when you think the plant is dead and there is no way for water and nutrients to get all the way up the branches to produce the sweet, beautiful fruit...there's some life hidden in there still. 

So, I am not happy about checking my little boy in to the hospital tomorrow to pump him full of the same medicine that made him so, so sick 2 rounds ago, but there is beauty to be found.  I will search for it...and I will pray and pray that somehow this round goes a little easier on him.  We need him to be strong and healthy for surgery.  Once we get the go ahead for chemo tomorrow, I will call and try to figure out Nate's new surgery schedule.  I'll keep everyone updated as I get more info.  We could be leaving as early as one week from now...man, that's frightening.  We'll figure it out somehow.