Checking In



Yesterday, we were told to wait for a call from the hospital.  I decided I was not going to just sit around at home and wait.  We were going to have a little fun.  Wes was off of school, so I wanted to take advantage of my time with my boys.  We got up, got Grandma and headed to a movie...Dolphin Tale.  I should have known I would be in trouble when the preview before the movie had me bawling.  The preview was for a Drew Barrymore movie coming out, about a family of whales that is caught in thick ice and is unable to swim under it to get to the sea.  A team of people, come together to help the whales.  An entire town shuts down and all the people come to crack holes in the ice leading a path for the whales to follow to the ocean.  I was crying so hard, I couldn't see.  I know I'm a little sensitive, and I see cancer in EVERYTHING now, but really this couldn't have been a better metaphor for what we are going through.  We are stuck...trying to find our way out...and every day a team of people (great doctors, REALLY great nurses, awesome hospital staff and all of our family, friends and even strangers) come to crack another hole in the ice to help lead us out of this mess.

Then came the movie, which I highly recommend.  It may be a little corny and maybe it's been done before, but I think kids, and maybe adults, need to see more movies like this.  Even though I cried like a baby, I left feeling a little lighter and the boys loved it!  Without telling too much of the story, it basically is about a dolphin who had to have her tail amputated and how she has inspired many people, especially soldiers and children who have also lost limbs or limb function.  When the child who had lost a leg showed up in the film, my mom and I both lost it.  It's just so hard to see these babies having to deal with stuff like this.  Wes was concerned that Grandma and I were crying and asked my mom, "Are you crying because that little girl is injured, like Nate".  My mom answered him that sometimes when little kids lose a limb, it is due to cancer and that makes us sad.  He thought for a minute and said, "It's ok Grandma, that little girl doesn't have cancer.  She lost her leg because she was in an accident with her Mommy...and after all, she's still alive!".  Wow!  What a sweet, sweet boy.  So concerned about his Grandma's feelings and trying to figure out all this pain.  I so wish he didn't have to go through any of this with us...but he does.  So, all I can hope and pray for it that this affects his life in a positive way.  I hope I can teach him to use his compassionate nature to help those that need help, and maybe make a big difference somehow in this world of cancer.

We left the movie, grabbed some lunch to eat in the car, said goodbye to Wes, Grandma and Linde and headed to the hospital.  Nate doesn't even ask questions.  There's no, "Mommy, why can't I go play with Wesley, Grandma and Linde?", "Why do I have to go to the hospital again, we just left there on Monday?", "Why are you taking me to a place that pumps poison in to my veins and makes me feel so sick?".  Thank God he doesn't ask these questions...how could I possibly answer them?!  He just says, "I go hospital, see my friends".  Oh, how I love this boy!  We got to the hospital at about 1pm, changed rooms 3 times (the first didn't have a bed for Nate, the second didn't have the bench that Daddy prefers to sleep on, so the nurse was nice enough to switch us to a different room), and Nate played and played and ate and played and ate.  The chemotherapy wasn't started until 11pm!  Everything moves SO, SO slow in the hospital.  I try and take deep breaths and not stress, but it causes me major anxiety.  I just want to get everything started, so we can get out of there ASAP.  Now, we'll probably end up staying until Tuesday morning, because chemo won't end until 11pm on Monday and I don't think we want to be dragging Nate home at midnight.

Daddy spent the night with him and so far he is doing ok.  He gets 3 drugs this time.  Two of them are new to him.  One of them is the same drug that he got the first 2 rounds but at a much higher dose this time.  One of the drugs is a straight 72 hour infusion and it's nickname is "The Red Death".  How would you like to pump your child's veins full of "The Red Death" for 72 hours straight?!  Really, this has got to be hell.  There are so many terrible, terrible possible side effects associated with these drugs, I can't even bring myself to type them.  Dear God, please protect my baby boy.  Let these drugs cause death to the cancer cells and leave my sweet Nater alone.  Amen.