Really, there isn't anything that doesn't suck about cancer. How is this our life now? Wasn't it just 2 1/2 months ago that our family was enjoying a lovely trip to San Diego and our biggest worry was that Jaime might go in to labor while we were gone? Did I appreciate my life enough? I think I did. Maybe not though. Did I take our happiness for granted? Maybe just a little...but really, not much in life has come easy for me, I've worked and struggled for most everything I have, so I feel like I appreciated the life we had. I thanked God every day for my family and especially my children. I really don't think I took them for granted. I've always only wanted to be a mom and after struggling with infertility and finally getting pregnant with Wes, I always felt like I appreciated motherhood that much more. Every night I kissed and snuggled my babies and told them how important and special they were to me. So, why me? Did I not do enough to help children with cancer? Well, I know for a fact I didn't, but it's not like I was totally ignorant. I get mail from several different children's cancer organizations, not because Nate has cancer, but because we gave to them long before any of this happened to us. In the few months before we knew anything was wrong with Nate, I was working on some kits to give sick kids something to do during those long hours in the hospital and clinic. I was doing something. Sure, it wasn't enough, but how was I to know that?
You'll have to forgive me, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. It's just been one of those days. The forth day of chemo has built up on Nate and he's throwing up about every hour, though he doesn't have anything to throw up but stomach acid because he's completely lost interest in eating or drinking. I'm not even going to bother ordering him dinner. We found out this morning that we will not be coming home tonight because Nate needs 24 hours of IV fluids after the last dose of chemo. I want what's best for him...but they could have told us this yesterday, when the Dr told me he was coming home tonight. Once again, all of our plans have changed...what else is new. I'm also having a problem with my own Drs office getting my thyroid medication. They want me to get a blood test. I understand this, but really, when exactly am I supposed to do that? Not to mention the fact that I haven't taken my medicine consistently for the last 3 days, let alone the last 4-6 weeks (which is how long you need to take it to get an accurate blood test). I'm already not eating right or exercising...take away my thyroid medicine and I'm sure my energy and mood will just be spectacular (that's sarcastic). The medical assistant on the other end of the phone, says in her sing songy, happy voice "I understand but there's nothing we can do for you". Really?!?! You understand?!?! I don't think so! I totally would have punched her if she was in front of me. Ok...enough feeling sorry for myself [pulling up boot straps]. Tomorrow's another day...and Nate gets to come
home tomorrow.
Hey Beth? You're entitled to admit that you're mom to SuperNate, but not feeling like SuperBeth today. Here's a suggestion - print out the first update you gave all of us. Add a handwritten note that you know you need a blood test, but unless you can get it at the hospital, it's not likely to occur before your meds run out.
ReplyDeleteThen fax it to the doc's office. Follow up in the afternoon with a quick phone call to ensure the fax was received. Ask for the doctor to call you.
I know you know all this, but maybe you're not remembering to do it for yourself.
hugs, cyndy
(sean woods' mom)
Your strength and love amazes me and inspires me to be a better mom. God only gives us what we can handle. He knows Nate is special and SUPER boy. Let yourself hurt and vent so that you can regroup and move forward with positive thoughts and determination.
ReplyDeleteKeep faith in yourself and in your baby boy. You are a phenomenal mother and person!
Thinking of you and praying for your family <3
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up! You are human and an incredible one at that. You have some great advice here. I'm sending you lots of love and positive energy. You kick butt Beth!
ReplyDeleteBeth -- I can't imagine what you have been going through. I would have been venting much earlier than you have today. Know that it's okay to be human .... even being SuperNate's mom.
ReplyDeleteMary