I Wish Tomorrow Wouldn't Come

Snuggled up watching movies.

I feel like I've almost been blissfully unaware for almost the last month that my baby boy has cancer.  Sure, he has a shining bald head and a tube hanging out of the middle of his chest, we spend most of our days at the clinic, there's medicine and shots to give, lines to flush and dressings to change, and I suddenly can visualize the germs on everything...but, we've been home.  We've been together as a family of five, eaten dinner together and snuggled into our own beds at night.  Nate has been feeling great!  He's sneaky and mischievous and almost too much for me to handle...and I love it!  Really?! How can this kid have cancer?!  Chris and I even discussed wanting to see the tumor.  It's so hard to believe that there was a killer growing inside of him.  The only thing that has been making him not feel well is the poison we are putting in him to kill the killer...so strange.

So...my bliss is being put on hold starting tomorrow.  I know we'll get back to it...hopefully sooner, rather than later...but it sucks.  I feel like I'm living a life in two different worlds.  One foot is in the "regular" world, where nothing on the outside has changed much.  The other is in the "cancer" world, where all of our lives are changed forever.  Sometimes I get a sick feeling in my stomach and have to think for a second about where this feeling of dread is coming from...oh yeah...Nate has cancer...and it's hitting us in the face again tomorrow.

We get to the clinic at 7:30am for a quick blood draw, then head over to the hospital.  Nate will be put under anesthesia for a bone marrow biopsy, scheduled for 9:30am, then he will be moved to radiology and handed over to another anesthesiologist and given a CT scan and MIBG scan.  He will probably be under for a couple hours.  Then, he will wake up and we will check him into the hospital to start chemo round 3.  He will be in the hospital for at least 5 days getting the chemotherapy.  This round is totally different drugs than he had the first 2 rounds, so we won't know how he'll handle them until we're in the middle of it. I'm cautiously optimistic that he will handle them fine.  It also helps that Chris and I have learned a bit about what makes him throw up and how to prevent it the best we can.

We need lots and lots of prayers tomorrow.  We know that Super Nate has been handling his treatments like a champ, but until we see the scan results we just don't know what's going on inside of his little body.  Handing my baby over to be put under anesthesia...and then having to wait for the scan results, is almost more than I can handle.  I feel like my insides are going to explode in anticipation.  I've heard it called scanxiety...I call it hell.  My mom is coming to sit with me while we wait...she's going to make sure I don't actually explode.  Please pray that the procedures go smoothly and the scans show a reduction (or maybe even disappearance) in the 2 spots that showed up in his last scans.  This poison better be doing it's job!