Pain

Where was I 10 years ago today?  I had just graduated pharmacy school a few months prior and was living with my mom and aunt, preparing for my wedding in 2 months.  I was asleep when I received a call from my college roommate to turn on the TV, "the world is ending".  I turned on the TV to 2 burning towers.  My mind immediately raced to our good friend Brian, who was going to be a groomsman in our wedding and  who lived in New York and worked downtown somewhere.  I quickly called Chris and asked if Brian worked near the World Trade Center...Brian worked IN the World Trade Center.  We soon found out that Brian was late to work that day.  He even managed to make it to our wedding 2 months later.  Going to work later that day was a totally surreal experience.  The roads and the stores were empty.  Everything was uncertain.  We are thankful every day that we don't have a story of losing a loved one that day...unfortunately, there are far too many that do.

I woke up this morning on the 10th anniversary of September 11,2001, thinking of pain.  I've experienced much pain in my 33 years.  The pain of drug and alcohol addiction in my family, the pain of an uninterested father, the pain of infertility, the pain of loss, depression, obesity, disappointment, abandonment, isolation, regret...and now the pain of a sick child.  Still, there is so much more pain that I have never experienced, and hope to never experience. Much like we all felt in those first days, weeks and months after September 11, 2001, everything is uncertain for us now.

Why is there so much pain in the world?  Original sin?  So that we appreciate the joy?  To test our faith?  Why?  Of course I have no answers, but for now I'm trying to focus on the blessings.  For every pain I've experienced...there is always something that is worse, and something good to come out of it.  Sure, my child has now been given a percentage of a chance at life. Seven years ago, I wasn't sure if I was ever even going to have a child.  Some children die in accidents and have no chance at life, we are thankful for the chance to fight.  There are also the little blessings along the way.  The new tower at PCH with the big, private rooms, the fact that I went part time at work 2 years ago and we don't rely on my full time salary, our trip to San Diego in June which we have ALWAYS taken at the end of July or beginning of August and would have been missed if we didn't move it up because Johnny was due to be born, so many little things along the way.  Then of course there are the big things, finding the tumor fairly early the way we did, Nate's good response so far to therapy and the love, support and generosity of our family, friends and complete strangers.  Almost daily, I am brought to tears by the kindness of those around us.  Maybe the pain is there, so that we can appreciate the joy.  That really sucks though.  Why can't we just see the joy?

I don't think the joy will ever replace the pain...but maybe, it can dull it just a little.  So, for now I will try my hardest to focus on the blessings and the joy.  The only other option is to give in to the pain and give up.  Sometimes it feels like I might just do that...then I pull myself up and remember that it is NOT an option.  We must continue on and fight.  Thank you to all of those who fought on September 11, 2001 and every day that has followed.  Thank you to those who lost their lives that day and to those who survived to tell about it, to the fire fighters, police officers, soldiers and family members to all.  Thank you for reminding me today to keep fighting.