What a Difference a Year Makes...

Nate wanted Valentine's Day cookies.  I brought home a cookie decorating set that I found at work after I got off last night.  He was very excited and as he was decorating and eating his cookie, I realized that we had done this same activity last year.  Honestly, it is very painful for me to look at the picture of Nate from last year.  I am grieving the loss of that little boy, and have not had adequate time to do that.  For the last 7 months we have been on a crisis freight train, that we will continue to ride for almost the next year.  We are constantly pushing forward, trying to get Nate to the next step so that we can be through this nightmare.  We keep moving forward and somewhere in the back of my mind, I have these thoughts that we just have to get through this treatment and Nate can go back to normal.  The hard truth is, though, that we can never go back.  That life...is gone.  That little boy...is gone.  He is not a baby anymore.  He is growing up...in a cancer world.  Last year, Nate didn't know any more of a hospital than coming to visit Mommy when his baby sister was born.  Healthy boy that he was, he barely knew a doctor's office.  Last year, none of us had ever stepped foot on the oncology floor of a children's hospital...now, it is home.  It is hard to look at that picture and see what cancer treatment has done to Nate's body.  I am sure that Nate weighed the same or more, in that picture one year ago, than he does now.

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful for my son and where he is, in this treatment right now.  This morning, he came in to the bathroom 3 times during my shower to tell me things.  THAT...is the Nate I know and love.  I have never loved and appreciated his feistiness more than I do now.  We have also met some of the most beautiful, incredible people through this process.  I don't think I would have EVER known the amount of beauty and strength that exists on the 7th floor of PCH.  I am grateful that my eyes have been opened to the world of childhood cancer.  These babies NEED US!  They need awareness and they need money.  They need less toxic treatments.  They need treatments that won't ravage a small child's body the way that Nate's has been ravaged over the last 7 months.  They need a cure!

I am grateful...but I am still grieving.  This is the life of a cancer mom...I don't think I'm alone.  I hope and pray and BELIEVE that next Valentine's Day, I will have a photo of Nate decorating another cookie...cancer free, chubby, and with a full head of hair.