Day -7

So, today was the day.  Chemo started at about 11am.  It started with a 30 minute infusion of a drug called Melphalan.  Common side effects (21-100% of patients): nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, increased risk of infection, need for blood and platelet transfusions, mouth sores, hair loss and diarrhea.  Occasional side effects (5-20% of patients):  weakness, weight loss and inability to have children.  Rare side effects (1-4% of patients):  Low blood pressure, excessive perspiration, allergic reaction, a new cancer or leukemia resulting from this treatment, and damage/scarring of lung tissue.  Nate will get Melphalan on days -7, -6, and -5.

Then Carboplatin and Etoposide began as a 24 hour infusion that will be given throughout days -7, -6, -5, and -4.  Common side effects of these two drugs: nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, increased risk of infection, need for blood and platelet transfusions, and inability to have children.  Occasional side effects: abnormal hormone function affecting levels of salt in the blood and urine, causing too much or too little urine, decreased blood pressure during the infusion, hair loss, and diarrhea.  Rare side effects:  metallic taste, numbness, tingling, clumsiness, damage to the liver, damage to kidney tissue, damage to the ear causing hearing and balance problems, mouth sores and a new cancer or leukemia resulting from this treatment.

Fun stuff, huh?  Not anything I ever thought I'd consent to giving my child.  Eight months ago, I hesitated even giving Tylenol unless he really needed it.

Nate handled the poison like a champ today, though.  He played and ate, all day long.  He was up out of bed, wandering around, pushing his IV pole (that was dripping poison into his veins) looking to "do something fun" and searching for snacks.  He played with a beach ball, bowled, drove cars around a painter's tape race track, did puzzles, watched movies, ate tons of snacks and rode the Smart Cycle video game...all without leaving the room.  Nate was a ball of energy all day long and continues to eat well.  So far, no sign of nausea or vomiting...which will be the first side effect that we will see.  Nate is getting IV anti-nausea medication around the clock every 3 hours, with 2 more meds available if he needs them.  I'm praying that this regimen can keep the nausea and vomiting to a minimum.

Nate did ask to go home...specifically to go to Chuck E. Cheese with Daddy...or to at least go to the play room or out in to the hall.  He can not go any of these places.  He was disappointed, but understood and accepted it.  Other than that, Nate and I had a really fun day, then Papa came to relieve me in the afternoon, so I could take Wes to his first baseball practice of the season. 


Sometimes I don't know something is going to be difficult until I'm in the middle of it.  Taking Wes to his baseball practice was hard.  The first thing that really struck me, is that I find it really difficult to be around a group of "normal" moms, especially ones that don't know about Nate.  It makes me sick to think that someone would look at me with Wes and Ellie and think that I am a mother of two.  I feel like I need to walk around with a shirt on that says, "I have 3 children, Wes is 5, Nate is 3, and Ellie is 1...Nate is in the hospital, bravely battling cancer".  It is also very difficult to listen to the "typical Mommy conversation".  "Joey walked at 15 months, but Susie walked at 9 months.  I have a roast in the crock pot.  We're remodeling our kitchen."  These thing used to important to me too.  I even try to pretend to engage in this "normal" conversation from time to time.  What do I really have to add to these conversations now anyways?  It just feels so empty now.  Will I always feel this way? 

Then, about 15 minutes in to Wes's practice, it hit me.  Nate is not here.  I started sobbing and had a hard time containing myself.  Nate LOVED going to Wesley's practices and games last season.  Nate actually thought that HE was playing baseball on the team as well.  He would always ask to go to "my baseball game".  I would bring his Little Tykes baseball tee, bat, balls and glove, and he would have a grand time running around and playing with the other brothers and sisters.  At the end of the season, I was given a trophy for being team mom and I gave it to Nate...he truly earned it for being their honorary player and number one fan.  When I left the hospital today, I didn't tell Nate where I was going because I knew it would break his heart.  I just didn't know that it would break mine to be there without him.  Then my mom pointed out that he may be missing this season...but, next year, he will wear a uniform.  Then, I REALLY started to sob.  I CAN NOT wait for that day...talk about sobbing!  Now, I'm the crazy mom who doesn't engage in "normal Mommy talk"...AND I cry at baseball practice.  Yep...that's me.