We spread a little Christmas cheer around the 7th floor and the hospital today! We dropped off a few boxes of toys and enough Target gift cards for all the families stuck on the 7th floor for Christmas.  We are thinking of and praying for everyone who's family can not be together this Christmas, for whatever reason. We were that family last year. Nate was so sick he couldn't walk or barely talk. This year, we are so thankful that he is so healthy and happy...but we will never forget those that are hurting and will try to do what we can to help. Merry Christmas from the Dinoffrias!!

 

No more nuk!

Nate loves his nuk (pacifier). We were waiting until we got back from vacation when he was 2 1/2 to take it from him...then we found out he had cancer. His nuk and Softie have been an indispensable source of comfort for him through all he has endured. Now that the hardest part of his treatment is over, we have been preparing him for months that when he turned 4, he wouldn't need his nuk anymore. On Tuesday, at nap time he asked for his nuk and I explained that he was now 4 and doesn't need it anymore. His first reaction was, "I don't want my birthday, I want my nuk!". I told him I was sorry, but he couldn't give back his birthday. After a little whining, he conceded and has been without his nuk, with no complaints, ever since. He has even told a few people proudly that he doesn't need it anymore. I thought this was going to be a much more difficult transition. Once again, I am so proud of my super boy!!



Happy 4th Birthday Super Boy!

We are so grateful for every birthday and especially a very HEALTHY birthday!  Nate chose a ghost theme for his birthday party.  He's such a unique kid!

 

 

There were tons of friends...

 

 

...and lots of spooky treats.

 

 Nate released some ghosts into the wild.

 

 

Boo!!

 

 

Even Chippy Star Rocket had a special surprise for Nate on his special day!

 

Happy Birthday Nater Tot!  We love you!

Santa photo

 

We are so thankful, for so many reasons, to have all our kids together for their Santa picture this year...even if Ellie had to be bribed to even get close to him.

 

Polar bears, rockets, ghosts, and Elvis (he loves our singing Elvis ornament). These are a few of Nate's favorite things. I sure do love this crazy boy with the funny personality!



Painful Memories

 

I came across this photo tonight, from our "Nater Christmas"...which we had on January 1st when he was finally out of the hospital, but he was still too sick to enjoy it. This is so hard to look at. I am so sad that my kids had to go through this, but I am so thankful that they still have each other.

The Truth 365

Please watch this documentary and share with everyone you know. Many of the children in this film are our friends, they are not nameless, sad faces. This is our life. This is why childhood cancer needs our help...this is what YOU can do about it. Thank you!

What a Difference a Year Makes!

 

One year ago today, we were in New York City at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center so that Nate could have the remainder of his tumor removed by the expert hands of Dr. LaQuaglia.  With the tumor successfully and completely removed, that was the day that Nate became NED!

 

A couple weeks ago, after a week of testing, we learned that Nate is still NED!  NED for one whole year!  That sure is a nice start on FOREVER!

 

Nate was a very good boy for the long week of scans and tests.  They poked and prodded, and he smiled and goofed around.  It never ceases to amaze me how normal all of this is to him.  I enjoyed the one on one time with my sweet boy.  I was a little nervous when we went in to get results.  While Nate has been taking Accutane up until the beginning of November, he finished the last really effective anti-cancer treatment (antibody) in July when he had the deadly reaction.  So, he'd been off of intense treatment for almost 4 months.  Several people offered to go with me for support but, I guess I'm a little superstitious, I wanted to go by myself.  I have always gotten all of Nate's scan results by myself...except the first ones at diagnosis.  They have all been great news...except the first ones.  Before Nate's oncologist came in the room, we met with the fellow, who has been with us since the very beginning.  She walked in the room and immediately said, "the scans are great".  Whew!  Big sigh of relief.  Both the fellow and Nate's oncologist went over all the tests.  Everything was all clear!  Nate's heart and kidneys are perfect, like he never went through treatment.  There is still a possibility that heart and kidney problems could present themselves...but, perfect is a great place to start!  We discussed the next steps to get Nate enrolled in the next trial, which we are still working on.  Then, they printed out a post-treatment follow up schedule for Nate (with all required appointments, tests and scans) until he is a teenager.  For some reason, this is what got me.  Seeing all these years in his life on paper, when we weren't sure we would even get him to 4, was very emotional.  I cried, hugged and thanked our oncologist and fellow, two of the many, many, many people who have helped to get Nate to this point.

 

Nate also had an audiologist and dentist appointment in the last couple weeks.  His hearing aids were turned up to prescriptive levels (the audiologist has been turning them up slowly, so he can get used to them) and he is still doing really well with them.  He never complains about them and remembers to take them out before getting in the bathtub (unlike Mommy, who dumped a cup of water over his head with them in once...oops).  The dentist report was actually very good!  His bottom teeth are brown because the enamel has been worn away from treatment and vomiting.  I assumed they would find cavities galore...but, no cavities!  There is one spot that we need to watch and will probably have to be filled eventually, but we are going to do what we can to strengthen it.  There is no telling what shape his big boy teeth are in.  Treatment usually causes many of the adult teeth to be absent or malformed.  I was pleased to see his front 2 big boy teeth on the top and bottom look good on x-ray.  We will have to take future dental problems as they come and deal with them...but, we are really happy with his current report.

 

I look back at where we were last year...in a hospital, on the other side of the country, trying to help our son recover from major abdominal surgery.  Then, the downhill turn Nate took from there.  The horrible holiday season, spent in the hospital, our family separated, watching Nate in so much pain...starving.  It really doesn't seem real.  Did we all really go through that?!  It seems impossible.  How did we make it from one day to the next?  Then tonight, I was cleaning off my desk where I found every card and note we have been sent or given this last year and a half (I've saved every single one to make a book for Nate).  I guess that is how we did it...with so much love and support from everyone around us.  I always hear that God won't give you more than you can handle.  I'm not sure this is true...because, really, how could ANYONE handle being given something like this?!  I think it's more like, God will help you handle what you are given.  Through every person that lifted us up during this worst time in our lives, God helped us handle it.

 

We are so incredibly thankful that Nate is doing so well.  We don't forget for one second that he is one of the lucky ones.  We are living every day to the fullest and trying to fulfill Nate's desire for adventure and memories.  We are going to have the BEST Christmas season this year.  No hospital...ALL family time!  We are so excited!

Nater Report!

I am so sorry I have not written in so long.  I am so sorry if I have worried anyone.  We have been busy trying to pick up the pieces to build our new life and trying to enjoy every moment we have together.  I have been updating Facebook fairly regularly with quick Nate updates.  If you're on Facebook, please "like" his page at www.facebook.com/supernatedinoffria.  If you're not on Facebook, no worries, I promise to try and be more consistent with the updates on here.  It is very important to me to continue to share Nate's story.  To continue to spread awareness of childhood cancer, childhood cancer treatment and the effects it leaves behind.  I also want to share the joys and triumphs in Nate's life for those of you who have come to know and love him and especially for the parents of newly diagnosed children.  When your child is diagnosed with neuroblastoma, it is virtually impossible to find success stories on the internet.  Partly because there are so few, but mostly because parents stop writing when their child is doing well.  They are too busy living life, which is awesome, but I want Nate's story to be a beacon of hope to those in the dark days of diagnosis and treatment...until there's a cure.

 Nate has been so busy having fun, fun, fun and LIVING life!  We were able to delay our annual family San Diego vacation until August and get Nate to the beach...as he had been asking for all year.  He loved spending time with his family, digging in the sand, visiting Sea World, and riding bikes and roller coasters.

 We came home from our trip to a very special delivery of some very special shoes from Peach's Neet Feet, a spectacular organization started by a remarkable young woman, which hand paints special shoes for children with life threatening illnesses and other conditions.  Nate's special shoes have a Super Nate symbol, a rocket, a gold ribbon for childhood cancer and a picture of Softie.  He LOVES them and has worn them almost every single day since receiving them.

We got word at the end of August that Nate could have his central line removed, since he was finished with all of his intense IV therapies.  It has been such a blessing to not have lines to worry about anymore.  No more dressing changes and central line care, no more worries about central line infections, and best of all...swimming and baths!

Nate swam almost every day, from the day after his line was removed until the pool got too cold.  He would take a bath at night, and take a shower with Daddy in the morning.  We also felt safe to visit splash pads and go camping.  Camping!  Something else that Nate had been asking to do all year, but we were too worried about dirt and his central line.  We managed to sneak in 2 camping trips with our best friends before it got too cold.  He played and explored, rolled in dirt and swam in the stream.  So much fun!

We have so enjoyed being at home as a family, uninterrupted.  Wes and Nate can play for hours, with just their imaginations.  When Wes is at school, Nate and Ellie are as thick as thieves.  Nate is SUCH a great big brother, he is constantly trying to take care of Ellie, even when she doesn't want the help.  One of my best friends nicknamed them Team Wrecking Ball.  They can dismantle a room in a matter of seconds.  They truly are teaming up against us.  Nate climbs up to reach snacks for them both and they lock themselves in a bedroom and eat as fast as they can until Mommy can get the door unlocked.  They lock the bathroom door and squirt toothpaste and splash water...somehow so quietly, so I don't know what's happening until it's far too late.  They've drawn on each other's arms, then once Ellie let Nate draw all over her arms, legs and face with a red (non-washable) marker...again, so quietly.  I can honestly say, after a sigh...and maybe a time out...I genuinely enjoy these moments, even if I don't enjoy cleaning up the mess so much.  I hope I always, always remember to enjoy every single moment of their childhoods...messes and all.

 Nate has been taking a music class and a gymnastics class.  Both classes are so good for him to get to spend some time with teachers and kids his age.  A pseudo-preschool experience to replace what he is missing out on this year.  He is VERY much looking forward to going to school next year...just like his big brother.  The gymnastics class has also been very good for his balance, flexibility and physical confidence.  Luckily, he was not left with any major physical deficits...but the small deficits are there and he is working through them and catching up, little by little.

Since Nate's line was removed, he now has to have a needle stick every time we go to clinic, which has been every 2 weeks during his Accutane treatment.  He has done very well with these.  Of course, it is not his favorite thing, but he is super tough and takes it like  such a big boy.  Only once did they have trouble getting blood and it was pretty stressful, the other times have been pretty smooth.  He has even chosen to do it without numbing cream.  He finds having to wear the numbing cream, with plastic wrap over it, for the 30 to 60 minutes before the needle stick to be more irritating than just getting poked without the cream.  Really, such a tough kid.

 We have been doing bits here and there to raise awareness and dollars for childhood cancer.  We still have so much more we want to do.  We will dedicate our whole lives to this cause.  For now, we are starting small and figuring out where we can make the greatest impact.

Nate has really just enjoyed being a "normal" boy, so much.  We are spending as much time with our family and friends as possible, because really, truly, THAT is what life is about.  I have no doubt, life is about our human connections and we are trying to make the most of them.  Nate has been able to enjoy so many thing that were so difficult for him last year.  Parks, birthday parties, family birthdays, amusement parks, trips, "quiet" days at home...he is enjoying it all.

 All throughout his treatment, Nate rarely complained.  He almost never expressed concern about missing out on things, even though he missed out on so much.  Nate only even asked to go home from the hospital a couple times.  He just went with the flow, somehow knowing that these treatments were the most important thing.  I really didn't think he even knew he missed out on anything, even though it was so hard on me to see him miss out.  He knows, though.  He knows to make the most out of every moment.  He wakes up in the morning and says, "What are we doing today Mommy?  Where am I going?".  He wants adventure and memories and we are trying hard every day to give that to him.  He was SO excited about Halloween, enjoyed absolutely everything Halloween related and had so much fun.  Now that Christmas decorations are already showing up all around, he is getting so, so excited...and we are so, so excited for him.  He deserves to have absolutely nothing but fun and joy this Christmas season...last Christmas season was so hard.

Nate now has mild to moderate high frequency hearing loss as a result of chemotherapy. It is not quite enough of a deficit to notice.  He compensates for it pretty well.  Long term, though, it will definitely have an impact on his learning and reading.  So, he was fitted for hearing aids in the middle of October.  Nate chose his favorite color, super hero red, and has done really well with them.  He has no problem wearing them and seems to like his "super ears".  When I first asked him if he liked them, he said, "Yeah!  Now when I talk, I can hear the words in my mouth.".  We'll take it.  I think it's his 3 year old way of saying that they are helping him.

Nate finally completed front-line Neuroblastoma treatment on November 5th...after 16 months.  The short description of the treatment he went through over the 16 months is...6 rounds of chemo, 2 major abdominal surgeries, a stem cell transplant, 12 doses of radiation, 3 rounds of antibody and 6 rounds of Accutane.  Sixteen months ago, I can honestly say, I didn't see an end.  It seemed so far away.  We are thanking God and are so, so grateful to still have such a happy, healthy, goofy boy at the end of all that.



Unfortunately though, this is not the end for Nate.  We will keep updating, but we have chosen to enroll Nate in a 2 year study for Neuroblastoma children in remission.  The study uses an oral medication, DFMO, that has shown little to no side effects and they are hoping, will help keep kids in remission.  We feel like the timing of this study has kind of fallen in our laps.  It will not require any hospital admissions, but will require some travel.  We will keep everyone updated as we learn more.

This week is scan week.  One of my least favorite things.  Tomorrow, Nate and I will spend the whole day at the hospital while he gets kidney and heart tests done.  Then, he will be injected with a radioactive marker for scans on Wednesday.  Wednesday, Nate will be put under anesthesia for a CT and MIBG scan, and bone marrow biopsies.  Thursday, we have an appointment for results.  This week sucks.  We are acutely aware that by the end of this week, our world could come crashing down again and Nate could be in for a fight for his life.  I am praying every moment for the strength to BELIEVE...and to not pass out and/or vomit.  Please keep Nate in your prayers this week as we wait for those 3 letters that we love so much, the 3 letters that will allow Nate to continue to live his life to the fullest...NED!

I Back Jack

Please take 5 minutes to watch this video.

From Jack Bartosz's CaringBridge today:

     "People know me for my happiness. I don't want people to think of me for sadness."
     ~Jack Bartosz (August 24, 2012)

     At 4:15 this afternoon our perfect boy found his ultimate cure.

     Jack Thomas Bartosz:  October 4, 2001 - August 27, 2012

     "And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief." ~ William Cullen Bryant


Neuroblastoma claimed this sweet boy today.  An average of 7 children are taken by cancer, every single day.  September is coming.  September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  Please don't let this be how Jack, or any of these children's story ends.  I will try my hardest to be a hero for these kids.  A hero like Super Nate.  Will you be a hero too?

Here Comes The Sun

This is hard to write about, it's hard to relive, but it's part of Nate's story...so, here goes.  He sailed through days 1 and 2 of round 3 of antibody.  Other than a little coughing here and there and a little fatigue, he had very little side effects the first 2 days.  He was up, playing in the play room, wandering the halls and eating well.  We didn't even have to push his morphine pump button.  By Tuesday afternoon, when I left him with Lou Lou to go home and have dinner with Wes and Ellie and get ready for work the next day...he was starting to get more worn out.  When I got back to him Wednesday night, after working all day, he was clearly struggling to breathe.  Papa and Grandma said he had a decent day, but his breathing started to go downhill that night after Linde got there.  I argued with the nurse and RT until they gave him a breathing treatment, which had helped his coughing on Monday and Tuesday.  It helped a little, but the blow by oxygen they were using, wasn't quite cutting it to keep his oxygen saturation up.  We got him to wear a nasal cannula oxygen which helped him breathe a little easier and get a little rest.  Thursday, he wasn't breathing well at all.  He was on 4 liters of nasal cannula oxygen and barely holding steady with his oxygen saturation.  If you took the nasal cannula away, his sats would drop quickly.  He only had Thursday's antibody to finish.  They just wanted to get him through it and once it stopped, everything would start getting better.  The infusion ended Thursday night at about 8pm...his breathing wasn't getting better.  I spent all day Thursday and Friday sitting in bed next to him, watching him breathe...waiting for it to get better.  I didn't eat, shower, sleep or change...I just watched him breathe.  I knew in my Mommy gut that something was very wrong...they just kept thinking it would get better now that the antibody was turned off.

It became apparent on Friday that we were not going home as planned.  They did a chest x-ray about 4pm on Friday and it showed some congestion, but again, they expected for it to quickly clear up now that the antibody was stopped.  We were expected to spend the night Friday night and head home in the morning after the oxygen was weaned down.  They tried a different breathing treatment that forces oxygen into the lungs and can help get the junk out, and it seemed to help.  We were able to turn the oxygen down to 3 liters after the first treatment.  As the afternoon wore on, the oxygen had to be turned back up.  It was time for another treatment and the RT got there to do it at about 7pm.  While doing the treatment, Nate was very, very uncomfortable.  Writhing and kicking around.  I couldn't see the oxygen saturation monitor from where I was sitting and trying to comfort him...he started to look blue.  His sats should have shot up to 100% during the treatment, instead they dipped down into the 70's.  They stopped the treatment and put his nasal cannula back in...his sats took FOREVER to climb back up.  The nurse paged the doctor on call.  The doctor wasn't answering the page, so they called the assessment team...a step below calling a code.  Doctors and nurses swarmed the room, right as Daddy got there to switch me.  The doctors quickly made the call to get him down to the PICU.

As I sat on his bed and held the oxygen mask to his face while trying to comfort him, tears streamed down my face as they rolled us through the PICU.  I couldn't believe that Nate had RUN into the hospital on Monday, taller, stronger, and weighing more than he has all year...and here we were, right back where we started this journey almost exactly one year earlier.  The PICU team quickly went to work trying to figure out what was going on and what they could do to support him.  They put him on a stronger nasal cannula machine and tried to make some plans, warning us that intubation was a possibility.  Papa and Lou Lou arrived, Nate was fairly stable and we made the decision for me to head home.  I was completely beat from the previous two days and someone had to go home to relieve Grandma and Linde, who had been with Wes and Ellie all day.  I asked Chris to keep me constantly updated via text and phone.  I wasn't there for what happened next, but I am so thankful that Chris's parents were there to support him and Nate.  His sats started to drop and they made the decision to intubate.  He was intubated, but they were having a hard time stabilizing him.  Lou Lou said his sats dropped, then his heart rate, then his blood pressure...he went into shock...we could have lost him.  I was at home, getting texts from Chris saying, "My parents are coming to get you.  I want you here.  He's not stabilizing".  I have never once in my life been as scared as I was that night.  I ran around my room, threw on clothes and screamed at the top of my lungs.  I fell to my knees and prayed. " Lord, please save my baby".  I can't imagine what Chris, Lou Lou and Papa were feeling watching it happen.  Chris says he is very glad that I wasn't there.  The Lord and the doctors did their work and Nate was soon stabilized.  I stayed home with Wes and Ellie and Papa and Lou Lou took care of Chris and Nate.

So, what happened?  Antibody therapy can cause this.  It's called capillary leak and/or cytokine release syndrome.  Simply put, the antibody stimulates your immune system to react and in this case, the immune system goes into overdrive causing an allergic reaction and leaking of fluids from where they should be, to where they shouldn't be.  The chest x-ray from 4pm showed slight lung congestion.  A chest x-ray in the PICU at 9pm showed lungs filled with fluid.  At about 11pm, after intubation, another x-ray showed lungs completely filled with fluid.  In 5 hours, fluid rushed into his lungs, making breathing on his own impossible...a reaction to the antibody treatment.  All we could do now is let the ventilator support his breathing while we waited for his lungs to heal.

He was on the ventilator, hooked up to 14 machines pumping medication into his little body.  Every day medications were weaned and changed.  We watched the chest x-ray improve every so slightly every day.  We attended doctors rounds, watched monitors, and helped the nurses care for Nate's body while we talked to him, read to him, touched him and kissed him.  As the paralytics and sedatives were weaned, we did our best to keep Nate comfortable.  We had some spectacular RTs that were able to get some major junk out of his lungs with breathing treatments and he really started to improve.  By Friday morning, the ventilator setting had been weaned all the way down and Nate was breathing all on his own with the tube still in.  His sedative medications were weaned down in preparation for extubation and Nate was awake.  He was awake and scared.  He couldn't move (restrained to the bed, so he wouldn't pull the ventilator tube out) or talk.  I watched his lips try to  say "Mommy", and he cried and cried when no sound came out.  I tried to comfort him the best I could until they were ready to extubate.  We "watched music" on his iPad...all his favorite songs.  He even tried "dancing", waving his head back and forth and moving his legs.  At about 2pm, they were ready to pull the tube.  It was pretty anticlimactic.  They pulled the tube out, he gagged, and continued to breathe fine on his own.  I told him he could talk now.  He was scared.  I told him, "say Mommy".  He squeaked out a quiet, raspy "Mommy", and I hugged him and cried and cried.  The nurse said, "It's ok to cry, Mommy, this has been hard".  It was just so nice to hear her say that, to have some permission to let my pent up emotions out.

He rebounded so quickly.  I was so afraid that all the good work he has done in the last few months to get so strong would be out the window.  Not my super boy.  All the doctors were amazed at how quickly he recovered.  Honestly, I wasn't that surprised.  I know my boy, and I know my God.

He was back on the oncology floor on Sunday and we were home Monday.  He had been on VERY heavy duty pain and sedation medications while on the ventilator that had to be weaned very slowly so that he wouldn't have withdrawls.  It's been a little rough the last couple weeks, only because we have to give him a sedating medication every 4 hours which hasn't let him get back into a normal sleep cycle.  We didn't do much sleeping the first week home.  As the doses have been weaned, he has gotten back to sleeping all night the last few nights.  He is still a little more sleepy during the day than normal, but we just gave him his last dose of sedation medication tonight, so we hope his energy will be 100% again in the next couple days.  His eating never skipped a beat.  In fact,  I think he's eating more than ever, which I am so, so thankful for.  When we checked in for antibody, he weighed 17.1kg, the most he's ever weighed.  At clinic on Monday, he weighed in at 17.3kg!  His mobility is pretty good too.  Almost back where it was.

So, what does this mean for his treatment?  I had a good talk with his oncologist on Monday and he will not be doing any more antibody treatments.  His oncologist does not recommend it and said the only way they would do any more would be to put Nate in the PICU again, intubate him, give the antibody, then keep him intubated for a week or more afterwards to recover.  He also said that next time he would likely not only have lung involvement, but also heart, kidney, liver and who knows what else.  No thank you!  Nate is the 1st patient at PCH to not complete all 5 rounds.  Nate is also the 1st patient in the country to have to stop after round 3 (most kids that have had to stop do so after round 4...the "hardest round").  Leave it to Nate to be the 1st.  He's always breaking the mold.  I know a lot of people don't quite understand the importance of this antibody therapy.  Nate's in remission, right?  Why does he need these treatments anyways?  The latest studies show that completing all 5 rounds gives kids a 20% greater chance at not relapsing.  The more rounds completed, the better the chance of not relapsing.  Again, relapsed neuroblastoma has "no known cure".  This antibody treatment, while difficult, is a HUGE breakthrough in neuroblastoma treatment.  We really wanted Nate to complete the treatment.  It's just not in the cards for him.  I'm honestly not scared though.  I firmly BELIEVE that for whatever reason, 3 rounds of antibody was all that Nate needed.

Nate will continue his Accutane therapy through the beginning of November.  At the end of Accutane we will probably be enrolling him in a 2 year, Phase II clinical study for children in remission,  It will involve an oral medication with a good side effect profile and travel every 12 weeks for scans.  I will give more information as we find out more.

So, where does that leave us?  Are we done?  We are in a very confusing place.  This is not how we expected this to go.  Assuming no admissions for infection or fever, God willing, Nate is completely done with hospital stays.  Is he done with cancer?  Well no, and unfortunately, we are realizing that he never will be.  There will always be medicine, maybe more studies (as more breakthroughs are made), scans, blood work, oncologists, hearing aides...there will always be something.  We are BEYOND grateful to be where we are.  No more hospital stays?  Are you kidding me!?!?!  It's beyond awesome!  It's just that we've been racing towards a finish line all year long and now we're here, looking around and realizing there is no finish line.  It's a weird feeling.  Chris and I also feel like we've been in prison all year and are now being released back into society.  We've spent the whole year living in crisis mode.  Only able to look hours and days ahead.  Small every day things like, grocery shopping, meal planning, and exercise seem foreign.  We've only been able to live "normal" lives involving these "normal" things for a couple weeks at a time before crisis mode kicked back in.  Can I actually plant my garden again this fall?  Can I sign up for another triathlon?  Can I commit to volunteering regularly at Wes's school?  I'm almost scared to do these things.  Like I don't deserve to be able to do these things or that I will jinx Nate's health status.  We've let go of almost everything that seemed so important in the past.  Can we add a few of these things back in to our lives?  I know we will figure it out.  We are taking our time and taking things slowly.  How do you go back to living your "old life" now that you are a completely changed person?  How do you go about living in this world with your eyes wide open?  We will figure it out...and I know it will be even more spectacular than it was before.  As Nate and I got into the car on Monday after clinic, and discussing Nate's treatments with his oncologist, "Here Comes The Sun" was the first song that played.  Tears welled up in my eyes...here comes the sun, indeed.